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Wednesday, 9 April 2014

HOW TO HELP A LONELY FRIEND

Although almost every human being in history has been loyal, many of us aren't so great in helping someone else through it. Robert Weiss, PhD, the godfather of research in the field, thinks that’s because once loneliness abates amnesia sets in. Having forgotten the
intensity of their own experience, many people cavalierly offer advice that would have sent them over the edge – “Be more outgoing!” or “Chin up!”- To others still struggling. If you want to support a lonely friend, consider the following recommendations from those who've been there.

A LONELY PERSON’S PITY METER is a friend tuned instrument. There is no greater kindness than not extending an overly magnanimous invitation that makes her feel like the neighborhood charity case. A small gesture – an offhand invitation to lunch – is often a better antidote.

SOME PEOPLE ARE SO DEBILITATED by loneliness that they can hardly discuss it (or anything else). Inviting a friend to a concert or movie will give you something to talk about over dinner.

OFFER TO ACCOMPANY HER to a medical appointment. One study found that doctors said they treat socially isolated people less well than patients with supportive families, and they've seen other health practitioners do the same.

TRY NOT TO RESCHEDULE PLANS or cancel at the last minute. Lonely people tend to see social engagements as life buoys in a long week: cancelling can leave them feeling more and more isolated.

LEAVE A MESSAGE. A voice mail or e-mail can make her feel she hasn't been forgotten.

SINCE RESEARCH SHOWS that the lonely tend to remember more details about their social encounters and they often interrupt remarks and nonverbal messages negatively. You might give her a different interpretation of her office mates’ behavior to her reality check at a party.

A COROLLARY TO THE ABOVE: Do not abandon her at the buffet. Dragging your friend to a party might seem like a good idea – she’ll get out of the house and meet people – but throwing your friend into a clutch of cheese-straw-wielding revelers by herself while you catch up with other guests is almost guaranteed to leave her feeling worse than before.
REMIND YOUR FRIEND that doing things alone - going to a movie, eating out – is hard for a lot of people, especially the first time. You might take her to the coffee shop that gives you a sense of community when you are on your own and volunteer to help them find a place in her neighborhood.

IF YOU ARE PART OF A COUPLE, don’t let that stop you from inviting your single friend to join dinner or a Saturday outing to beach or park. One 0 editor says that in her post-divorce despair, some of her happiest moment were with her married friends who just asked her to show up, plop down on the sofa, drink a little wine, and stay for dinner.

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