Although almost every human being in
history has been loyal, many of us aren't so great in helping someone else
through it. Robert Weiss, PhD, the godfather of research in the field, thinks
that’s because once loneliness abates amnesia sets in. Having forgotten the
intensity of their own experience, many people cavalierly offer advice that
would have sent them over the edge – “Be more outgoing!” or “Chin up!”- To
others still struggling. If you want to support a lonely friend, consider the
following recommendations from those who've been there.
A LONELY PERSON’S PITY METER is a
friend tuned instrument. There is no greater kindness than not extending an
overly magnanimous invitation that makes her feel like the neighborhood charity
case. A small gesture – an offhand invitation to lunch – is often a better
antidote.
SOME PEOPLE ARE SO DEBILITATED by
loneliness that they can hardly discuss it (or anything else). Inviting a
friend to a concert or movie will give you something to talk about over dinner.
OFFER TO ACCOMPANY HER to a medical
appointment. One study found that doctors said they treat socially isolated
people less well than patients with supportive families, and they've seen other
health practitioners do the same.
TRY NOT TO RESCHEDULE PLANS or cancel
at the last minute. Lonely people tend to see social engagements as life buoys
in a long week: cancelling can leave them feeling more and more isolated.
LEAVE A MESSAGE. A voice mail or e-mail
can make her feel she hasn't been forgotten.
SINCE RESEARCH SHOWS that the lonely
tend to remember more details about their social encounters and they often
interrupt remarks and nonverbal messages negatively. You might give her a
different interpretation of her office mates’ behavior to her reality check at
a party.
A COROLLARY TO THE ABOVE: Do not
abandon her at the buffet. Dragging your friend to a party might seem like a
good idea – she’ll get out of the house and meet people – but throwing your
friend into a clutch of cheese-straw-wielding revelers by herself while you catch
up with other guests is almost guaranteed to leave her feeling worse than
before.
REMIND YOUR FRIEND that doing things
alone - going to a movie, eating out – is hard for a lot of people, especially
the first time. You might take her to the coffee shop that gives you a sense of
community when you are on your own and volunteer to help them find a place in
her neighborhood.
IF YOU ARE PART OF A COUPLE, don’t let
that stop you from inviting your single friend to join dinner or a Saturday
outing to beach or park. One 0 editor says that in her post-divorce despair,
some of her happiest moment were with her married friends who just asked her to
show up, plop down on the sofa, drink a little wine, and stay for dinner.
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